Ghosting in Dating: Why it happens and how to stop it happening to you!
- Lisa Camille Robinson
- Sep 5, 2016
- 4 min read
“I ain’t friad of no ghost!”
No, that’s a lie ... They scare the bejeezus out of me!
Wait ... I’m not talking about the holographic walking dead ...
No ... They are harmless!
The ghosts I’m talking about are the real life men that I have dated who chose to end our relationship by disappearing into thin air. Their disappearance was so sudden that I actually went through death announcements to check for their names. Honestly, I would almost have preferred that they were dead, than face the ugly truth that I had been dumped in the most disrespectful way, yet again.
The urban dictionary describes ghosting as, “The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just "get the hint" and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested.”
Hands up if that sounds like a terribly familiar experience in your dating life?
I have been ghosted several times in recent years. But getting in practice of being on the receiving end, doesn’t make it any easier to handle. In fact, it hurts more with every occurrence because you think you’ve learnt your lesson and swear that this guy is going to be different. You chastise yourself for not knowing better and not seeing that you were about to face-plant into an abrupt dead end. What I have experienced is considered the norm for dating in big cities, like Sydney. My single girlfriends estimate that the majority of men they date, end relationships with them in this way.
Although it may seem like a simple act of impoliteness to those who have not experienced it, an article in Psychology Today cites ghosting as "[the ultimate use of the silent treatment. A passive aggressive tactic that has been viewed by mental health professionals as a form of emotional cruelty that can leave interpersonal bruises and scars]". My personal experience is that it leaves you in a limbo of anger and hurt, denting your self-esteem.
So what makes us do this to each other? (Statistics, like the one below from the Huffington Post article, "The Psychology of Ghosting: Why People do it and a better way to break up", show that both men and women are guilty.)
I had the rare opportunity to speak with two men who had ghosted me, months after the ghosting incidents had occurred. These are professional men in their mid-thirties whom I dated for a few weeks to a few months; they then suddenly didn’t call or text back. Karmic twists of fate allowed me to run into them months afterwards and I made them answer my one burning question: WHY?
They verbally confessed what the silent communication had already told me: They were afraid of having to face the emotion of my hurt feelings. Ceasing communication was the easiest thing for them to do. They were only thinking about themselves and the avoidance their own discomfort.
Clearly, I’ve got to start dating more emotionally mature men!
It does seem ridiculous that grown-ass men would be afraid of a woman and her feelings, and would let that fear dictate how they act. However, it is not that surprising. In fact, it might be symptomatic of a pervasive lack of people’s willingness to choose whether to act from their fear or not.
Something that I believe plagues the world as we now know it, is a high level of people acting unconsciously and being run by their feelings. People forget that there is a consciousness / awareness that is separate from the wave of emotion that is just passing through. It’s the same kind of going with the flow of your fear or anger that leads to all kinds of emotional and physical violence, from domestic abuse to terrorist attacks. People do not take the time to stop and observe that they are not their emotions; they are not their fear. They have a choice in how they respond.
That’s what courage is, the proverbial "feeling that fear and doing it anyways". In any case, if you're a man who can’t handle a woman and her feelings, you should probably stay away from relationships. Period!
The statistics also show that an equal number of people who have experienced ghosting are also perpetrators. This is where I differ from the stats: Personally, I have never ghosted someone I’ve dated. I experience dealing with confrontation as the exciting bit about being alive. How good is it to be human and feel that mix of fear, adrenaline, sadness and care for someone all at the same time? Isn’t that why we came here? ... To feel?
Yes, there is discomfort in calling someone to say, “I don’t think we are a match” but anyone who is worthy of you dating or sleeping with, is worthy of being broken up with.
On this playing field, I’m making the call for women to be the game changers. While only time will tell if a man has the emotional maturity to break up with you the right way, I urge women to have that conversation upfront. Talk about ghosting early on, how it makes you feel and specify how you want the end of the relationship to be dealt with, if and when it happens. It’s here that we can show the courage that we are asking for in a mate, by having the balls to declare how we want to be treated.
The problem of ghosting is rooted in issues of communication skills, courage and an ability to handle confrontation. If we can inculcate and demonstrate strengths in those areas, then perhaps we can set the stage for a higher standard of behaviour in our relationships and even attract people that are truly a match.
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