Lessons from the Dating Battle Field
- Lisa Camille Robinson
- Oct 5, 2016
- 4 min read
I now approach dating like a warrior going into a fight:
I'm on watchful guard for suspicious moves; I don an armor to keep my head and my heart protected, and my adrenaline levels are high due to a constant cloud of uncertainty.
Recently I lost a round in the ring.
I found myself tears, yet again, over another promising connection broken, another man communicate that he was not interested in taking things further.
With the last four years of dating on Sydney’s notoriously fickle battle fields, you'd think that I would have toughened up and be used to these dating disappointments by now...
Certainly my skin has grown thicker: I can more quickly assess whether or not a man just wants to get into my pants; I am very good at cutting it off clean if he does or is otherwise not a match and my recovery period from each dating round is getting shorter every time.
I’m truly becoming a Dating Ninja Warrior.
But even warriors bleed and moving through these short romantic stints still leaves its scars.
Because they all start with an open heart and a glimmer of hope.
This last one was really promising.
A grown man in his 40’s, a successful entrepreneur, 6”3”, fit and attractive.(Just how I like 'em ;) I had met him at a birthday party. He didn’t hesitate to ask for my number and invite me out to dinner within a minute of meeting me. It took a few weeks for the date to actually eventuate, but when it did, it ranked up there as one of my best first dates of all time: where the conversation flowed just as easily as the wine and a gentle kiss at the end of the night, confirmed that the attraction was mutual. We had another couple of great dates and those fuzzy hopeful feelings began to blossom.
But a few short weeks in, I noticed things take a turn.
He would take days to respond to a text. He would say he wanted to meet but then, not make a plan to. Eventually he did communicate that he was not looking for a relationship and then ... He quietly disappeared.
As I let the disappointment and sting of hurt feelings pass through me, I reflected on what this visitor has taught me about men, intuition, expectation and how I was showing up in the dating arena.
Lesson # 1 Everyone has their own agenda.
My intention with the dating process is to assess if someone would be a match as a partner. I'm sure that most single women in their 30’s have a similar purpose. Men are different and show more variation in their intention. Many men will jump into the dating pool looking for sex and will pander to a woman’s desire for a relationship in order to get it.
For women, the first order of business is to suss out which agenda he's coming in with. And it’s not as easy as just asking them.
We all know how awkward it is to bring up that conversation too early on.
The real assessing filter is time and the tactic is observation.
Take sex off the table and see how keen he is to keep playing.
Lesson # 2 Actions speak louder than words.
Ignore what he says, pay attention to what he does, particularly around his level of communication. You can completely judge a man's level of interest by how quickly he contacts you in the days after a date. If he is into you, he will call or text you in short order. He will want to know when he can see you again. If he takes more than three days, the warning bells should start ringing.
Lesson #3 Trust your Instincts.
Your spirit talks to you through your body. How do you feel about the whole thing? Do you feel happy, light, or stressed? Be aware if your internal mechanisms are firing off. Your spirit will tell you if things are going smooth or south. For me, I always feel the same sensation in my body when a relationship is coming to an end. It’s a dull buzzing in my tummy and a feeling of unease. It clues me in that a connection that I have made with someone is being ruptured. If you're consistently feeling anxious about the relationship, don't let the excitement of him texting you out of the blue make you disregard it. Take heed.
Lesson #4 Put Yourself First.
Make your self-care a bigger priority than hanging on to a relationship that’s in a place of resistance. If a relationship is causing you more stress than joy, give yourself permission to let it go. Trust that if it is meant to be, your taking care of your emotional well-being will not stop it from manifesting.
The other side of this learning is looking at how I am showing up in this space. The fact that I even use the analogy of war and fighting when talking about my dating life, says a lot about how I perceive the experience. What heaviness am I bringing to the process?
I can also observe a disturbing pattern: that I have consistently been attracting men who are not in space where they want a relationship. If a relationship is what I consciously want, then there must be an opposing and stronger subconscious track playing on the inside. "Like attracts like" is a universal law.
So, I’m taking a well-needed time-out to assess my own internal contradictions. To reflect and meditate on where I do have resistance to actually getting what I think I want.
When I feel ready to come back to the dating world, I want to be congruent and clear: To put down my sword and show up with a sense of play and lightness, ready to watch those blooms of hope blossom once more.
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