Trying on Celibacy for a Change
- Lisa Camille Robinson
- Nov 3, 2016
- 4 min read
My voice of reason, my sister, suggested the book, “The Wait: A Powerful Practice for Finding the Love of Your Life and the Life you Love” by Devon Franklin and Megan Good to me and it could not have come at a better time. I was waist deep in another ‘romance’ that had gone terribly wrong and was looking for a way to halt my little pattern of disastrous dating encounters. I had long deduced that sex was the 'x marks the spot' factor for me: The point at which my relationships tended to keel over. So when I heard about a book that suggested taking sex off the table as a solution to getting too involved with men who were not a match, I was all ears.
“The Wait” tells the story of the romance between the actress, Megan Good, and Devon Franklin, a Hollywood film producer. Both are Christians who were celibate when they started dating and made the commitment to stay celibate until their wedding night. The book lauds an intentionally celibate life as a means for singles (it is clearly directed at women) to meet their mate through a cleaner process of getting to know their partners as people, without the distraction of sex. It also lays claim to a multitude of blessings that one is likely to receive if you keep this commitment to God and yourself.
I know… “Wait until you get married,” sounds so terribly old-fashioned to someone dating in a big city in 2016. And I am sure some of you are thinking, “Boy… That sounds a little drastic."
But I have been single and dating for seven (going on eight) years now.
If Tinder, speed-dating, EHarmony, RSVP, Plenty of Fish and going to the clubs etc. have not been working for me then, drastic times calls for drastic measures! I know the option of celibacy is not a new way to meet men, but is a new way of handling my relationships with men, which could only be improved upon.
“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results,” said Albert Einstein, which is a central lesson of
And I agree. Since how I have been functioning has not produced my intended result, it is time to change the formula. Celibacy might give me more time to work on myself, the opportunity to get to know the men I am seeing far more intimately in terms of who they really are and what they really want.
However, I am very aware that it might also send them running - an apparent Catch 22.
But if a man is not interested in me beyond sex, then I am not interested.
In previous seasons, I had tried to use strategies of delaying sex until three months into a relationship, as encouraged by the books, “Think Like a Man, Act like a Woman” by Steve Harvey and “Catch Him and Keep Him” by Christian Carter. But there was not enough pain in my experience to get me entrenched in that commitment and it was far too easy to use sex tool to keep men around. Besides, my relationships never seemed to get to three months anyways.
“Without sex” says "The Wait", “you know that your partner is with you for you.”
This is something that I long to experience, even more so because what I am looking for has now changed. A year ago, I might have been content with getting a boyfriend and having something be short-term. But as I face the imminence of my 36th birthday and have grown weary of that choice, I am now clear that I am looking for something solid: marriage, my husband, my life-partner… Someone who wants to be with me as a person, as a soul.
So yes, I do have to change my filter and process of dating.
I must admit “until marriage” sounds a little daunting to me. (I accept that it is my responsibility to reflect and investigate why that is.) But what I can commit to is one year. So I have made the commitment to be celibate for that period.
I am already starting to see hints of some of the benefits mentioned in the book including:
Really getting to know someone you are dating without the distraction of sex.
Enabling the diversion of energy to myself, time with God and my career.
Stopping the stressful probability of difficult scenarios that sit in the back of the mind of every sexually active woman: an unwanted pregnancy and catching STDs.
Filtering men looking to 'get some' versus those actually looking for their wife.
In a world where quick sex is the norm, I know making this choice will at times feel quite isolating. But "The Wait " is now a New York Times Bestseller, so it's likely that a community of like-minded singles will emerge. There are already resources online like thecelibatewoman.com to inform and encourage those who are both committed and curious. The choice to be celibate is particularly personal. But it makes a loud statement about what you are willing to sacrifice to get what you want. I am confident that if one is called to it, it's because you're ready and it's what you need.
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Get your copy of "The Wait: A Powerful Practice for Finding the Love of Your Life".
Who do you know that needs to read this book? Get them a copy as a gift now.
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This article was originally posted in November 2016. Go to www.contentedbylisacamille.com to find out how my year off celibacy has worked for me.
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