Am I Done with DIY Dating?

So there’s like this really hot guy at my gym.

Like damn hot!

Six foot two, olive skin, clean-shaven, strong jaw, broad shoulders, muscular but not too buff...Just how I like ‘em ;)

He’s a Personal Trainer. So every morning between 7 and 8 am, I get to 'eye-stalk' him from across the weights room. My reflexes get a good work out, because I have to quickly avert my eyes if he happens to look in my general direction. I watch him guide the legs and arms of his clients while he instructs them on various ...ahmm...positions.

I watch and I secretly wish it were me.

You might be wondering why I don’t just buck up, cruise over and say hi. Because if you know me, the one thing you wouldn’t call me is shy.

In fact, that's how I met my last boyfriend at a bar in Kingston. I strode across the room, told him he was hot...We ended up dating for two years.

But I am different now.

Firstly, I've been celibate for the past eight months and that has resulted in a bit of a time-out from dating. Being celibate has produced the intended result of my growing in my relationship with Jesus. Which leaves me in a bit of a quandary with the question of how actively I should pursue romance.

Normally, I would be on dating apps and approaching a cute PT in the gym would be par for the course. But now that I'm more married to Jesus than the mission of meeting men, I have been wondering how DIY should my approach to dating be?

A recent incident gave me a bit of an answer.

I went to an event at a new hot spot in a trendy neighbourhood, the perfect place to have one eye peeled for potentials. Towards the end of the evening, I saw a reasonably good-looking chap with a man-bun (which I am finding oddly sexy at the moment) in the corner of the room. I noticed that he looked at me, as I walked by and I got a little hopeful.

So, feeling encouraged, I decided to approach him.

What then ensued was one of the most awkward conversations I had ever had. “Hi, So… what do you think of the event?”

“Hi.... Ummm....yeah, it’s interesting,” said with a look-of-why-the-heck –is-this-girl-talking-to-me-?

When it dawned on him that this was a pick up, he quickly ended the convo with, “Well my girlfriend is standing over there ... I had better get back to her.”

Cue to me, wishing the floor would open up and swallow me whole.

“Sure,” I replied with a forced smile, as he side-stepped, walked away and into my "moments-I-regret" list.

Here I was, mounting a mission towards a man who was not even available. Such are the fails of the Dating DIY mandate. It occurred to me that left up to our own devices, our attention is drawn to a potential suitor mostly by their physical appearance, without any insight into who they are and where they are at.

Are they single, married, widowed?

Do they have a generous spirit and a heart for God?

Are they ready to meet their mate?

Will our purposes compliment each other? When you're doing dating your way, those questions trail behind physical attraction. But these are the questions that God asks before even considering someone for you.

The other thing that's different about me is that I'm now waiting for my husband, not hanging out for a boyfriend. So overall, my approach to the prospect of dating is a more measured and considered. I no longer carry the Indiana Jones soundtrack of I-might-never-see-him-again doom in my head. Instead, I trust that as we say in Jamaica, “What is for me, can’t be un for me.” So, unless the forces of heaven compel me to make an approach, I will let him walk on by. I know that it may sound quite passive. But for me it actually feels more empowered, than making the first move. Because the restraint comes from a place of discipline and trusting God, instead of my own action.

In this period of taking a timeout from the exercise of dating, God's been whispering his promise into my heart: That if I just wait a while. If I wait on Him, instead of trying to fandangle my own solution. He will present the man who has already been cleared and declared for me.

When my husband comes along, he won't be excusing himself to get back to his girlfriend. He will be fixed to the spot and fixated on me.

That revelation gave me an answer on whether or not to approach the hot PT. But what about online dating? Prior to this period of celibacy, 'swiping' had been my past-time. It felt good to be actively engaged in the pursuit of something I wanted.

I also now know many people who have met their partners on Tinder.

After all, doesn't “God helps those who help themselves?”

Then I came across this sermon by Pastor Toure Roberts where he talks about “The Five Key To Identifying Your Soul Mate.” It is a life-changing message that you’re going to want to listen to a few times.

[Paster Toure Roberts of One Church in Los Angeles preaching on "The Five Keys to Identifying your Soul-Mate"]

The wisdom that struck me the most was, “You can’t tell God when you’re ready to meet your mate. He decides that and appoints the appropriate time.” Bang!! Hello answer.

I know that for me jumping on to Tinder, eHarmony or Plenty of Fish would be me stomping my feet and shouting at God, "I’m ready." I would be making an assessment of myself based on my very limited self-knowledge and what I think is right for me. Whereas, God can see the whole picture. He knows my past, my future, how my purpose contributes to the broader humanity and he knows the same of my future husband. Now, I’m not disparaging the dating sites. If you are clear that is where God is directing you, then go right ahead. But meditate on where your motivation is coming from.

Is how you're pursuing dating God’s direction or desperation?

For me, I'm done with DIY Dating. I've been doing it myself for over 20 years and I've only come up empty-handed and broken-hearted. God's way is slow and quiet and it seems like nothing is happening. But since he made me and since I've asked him to intervene specifically in this part of my life, I'm trusting that he's doing his thing. He is certainly changing me - in fact, a big part of my celibacy has been healing and cleansing from those relationships that I got myself into, without his blessing.

Now I am sensing that that when the appointed time comes,

I will be wife material with an anointing.

My husband will be on the other side of his personal transformation and

together we will be a powerful and purposeful force.

I'm giving my self a well-needed break and letting God do it his way.

#Christ #datinginyour30s #dating #celibacy #celibacyandonlinedating #onlinedating #celibate #howtobecelibate #whyarepeoplecelibate #benefitsofcelibacy #singlehood #sex #sexandreligion #whatGodsaysaboutsex