That Question about Having Kids

I’ve been having some health problems lately - nothing life threatening, just lifestyle hampering.

My stomach’s been "giving me a warm time”, as we say in Jamaica.

Heartburn, acid reflux, bloating, constipation ... uhm... I'll spare you the details.

My doctor referred me to see a gastroenterologist, who immediately scheduled me in for an endoscopy and colonoscopy. The procedures involve sticking a small camera down my throat and up my know-you-what to take a look around. This excited me because I was certain that there was a little gremlin living in my stomach and I was dying to see what he looked like and tell him to pipe down.

The endoscopy revealed that I have a small hiatal hernia: The valve separating my stomach from my oesophagus is not working so well, so my stomach acid is coming into my oesophagus.

Looks something like this:

When you hear of a hernia you almost always associate it with a strain injury. So I was immediately concerned that my condition was self-inflicted by maybe my going too hard in Body Pump. (You know the gym is like my second home.)

However, the doctor assured me that that was not the case. He explained that the body changes over time and the cells of that valve had simply lost their elasticity.

And there it clicked! Dear God, I’m getting old!

Now, I know that in itself that is not an Aha! Moment.

After all I was conscious that when I last celebrated a birthday, it was number 36. However, I am pretty healthy overall. I am not a smoker and I don't drink (much). I work out five times a week and I'm vegan. Mix all of that with my good genes and people usually think I’m ten years younger, than what my birth certificate says. Up until the moment of getting those results, I could have sworn that I was floating in a pool of eternal youth, living in the fantasy that I was turning 26 every year.

When people find out my real age and that I am still single, they often ask about my desire to have children, referencing the fact that I was running out of time to do so.

As if their concern, offered a solution to my decreasing fertility.

Usually, I optimistically respond that I was feeling so good in my body, that I felt like I could have children well into my forties, in similar fashion to my heroine, Halle Berry, who had her second child naturally at 47.

[Halle Berry and daughter, Nahla. Oh, to have a post-baby body like that!]

But when my gastroenterologist uttered those fateful words about things “losing their elasticity”, my world literally stopped for a moment.

I was dosed with an ice bucket of reality.

My body is indeed changing and I am getting older.

Hmm...if the muscles in my tummy are already suffering the effects of time, then perhaps then my confidence in my body's aptitude for late procreation might be misplaced.

Granted, I was never adamant in a desire to have children. It felt like something I wouldn’t mind experiencing, rather than something I yearned.

So when single girl-friends in their 30’s talk about freezing their eggs, I am curious but don't share their level of curiosity. Why would I invest heavily in securing a future I wasn’t quite sure I wanted?

Every woman has varying levels of maternal instincts.

But this new information about my body pushed me to clarify exactly what my maternal desires were. Yes, my spirit yearned for family, a sense of home, belonging and motherhood. But when I meditated deeper into it, I realised that I couldn't locate inside me a strong desire to physically bear my own children.

I started the process of separating the (breast) milk from the proverbial curdle - Was my desire to experience motherhood, the same as my desire to carry and birth a child? I think this is an important distinction for women who are staring down the barrel of the end of their fertile years, without a partner with sight. Because it informs the life-changing actions and decisions they make around that desire.

As women we have a natural maternal leaning. But, does that have to manifest through us having children of our own?

I don't think so.

Instead I think there is an opportunity to evolve beyond that limited thinking. Motherhood means community, caring, nurturing, love and leadership. There are so many avenues it can be expressed and experienced through, which I think offer even more freedom, without the act of childbirth. Here, options like: being open to a partner who already has children, foster care, adoption as a single parent and serving more in your community, can become exciting avenues for fulfilling those maternal desires.

As I approach my forties as a single woman. I am in the process of surrendering to the strong likelihood that I may not have children of my own. Naturally, there is a small part of me that did want to have that experience. So, I am also allowing that part of me to grieve and mourn that that desire may not come to pass.

In the same breath, I am stepping into the rich possibilities that not having children of my own allow. There are so many un-mothered children in this world. Perhaps this frees me up to be more used by God.

For single women wrangling questions of freezing eggs, getting sperm donors, and going through other great lengths to have children of your own before time runs out, I encourage you to be still for a while.

I know that the desire can feel overwhelming and the loss of time and opportunity, so scarily out of your control. But alongside your planning, I invite you to consider all the possibilities within the vibrant spectrum of motherhood. Perhaps meditate on how else you can be a mother, whom else you can be a mother to, how you can exercise your capacity for nurturing and what communities might need your care.

Trust God's plan for your life, more than your own and be open to the myriad of possibilities that your freedom might allow you.

#Sydneysingle #singewoman #singleinyourthirtiers #beingasinglewomaninyourthirties #benefitsofcelibacy #howtobecelibate #celibacy #havingchildrenolder #dating #religionanddating #religionandsex #havingchildren