Replacing The List for The Promise
- Lisa-Ann Camille
- Aug 21, 2017
- 5 min read
We all have one stuck in our back-pockets and in the back of our minds.
It's our compass as we navigate the dating world. That thing that guides us to say "come closer" or "step aside."
Our list is the stick by which we measure a man we date, it charts a combination of foundational and superficial characteristics that both our vanity and life experience has taught us we desire. We think this list is serving us, keeping us safe from comprising on our standards. But be careful, it can be more of a threat, than a tool.
The list is dangerous because it is not based on the truth of what we really need. It is based on insecurities and fears.
I'll offer my list as an example.
Embarrassingly superficial, on it were things like:
He must have pretty first and last names.(I have a weird complex about names stemming from my own insecurity about mine being common).
He must be a man of means.
He must be fit.
He must be spiritual (Spiritual?!?...How vague is that?)
He has to be over 6"0" tall - Actually, I might keep this one. I have been changed by God but I still love my men tall.
More recently, I might have added that he needs to live in the eastern suburbs of Sydney, since I hate driving long distances.
Of course my list also had some deeper points. But I'm putting the real ugly bits out to wash, because I know we all have stuff like this noted down.
...So I have shown you mine. What's on yours?
The list might seem benign, especially when we assure ourselves that we would be open to dating men who don't have every single solitary thing ticked. But this harmless little itemiser, bears its claws when the opposite happens. When we do find someone who ticks all the boxes.
That's when things get hella confusing.
We become more attached to the manifestation of the list than receiving God's guidance on whether or not this man is really our intended mate.
This happened to me early last year when I met an athletic, successful 6"4" businessman. Yup, he was a box ticker, to the point where I was praying he was the one. He even had the pretty first and last names I was asking for. (Some eye rolling is allowed here.) There was just one little itty-bitty problem. Homeboy was not interested in me beyond the physical. But I hung on to him for months out of sheer disbelief of the fact that my list had manifested and was not the one. I had became more attached to my superficial desires, than to what God had in mind for me.
As I reflected on the other men whom I had developed an unhealthy attachment to, I had another realisation: "You attract who you are, not what you want."
I don't mean on a surface level, like if you want a man who is highly educated you need to have a PHD. I'm talking about who you are and where you are in your inner life. So if you want a man who is whole, emotionally healthy and who puts God first, then you need to be that.
This past year I took a time-out from dating to focus on my relationship with Jesus and myself. As my dating life has quietened down, so has my shouting my list at God. In the quiet, He has started whispering promises to me about my mate.
Having a list gives the false sense of having control. Instead try surrendering to the God who made you, who knows you better than you know yourself and who has a plan to provide what you need, even if it doesn't look like what you think you want.
Here are the promises about my husband that have been whispered to me during this year of celibacy. I feel very vulnerable in sharing this, but I am doing so because I am confident that these promises will be very similar, if not the same, as His promises to other women who make developing a relationship with Him a priority over dating.
I will be presented to him.
Genesis 2:20-22 says "But for Adam, no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man."
That means, I don't have to go out and hunt him down. I don't have to spend every free moment on dating sites hoping that we both swipe right. God will orchestrate the date, time and place for us to meet and it will be effortless.
He will recognise me.
Have you ever dated someone and felt like you were spending a good deal of your energy trying to convince them that you were wife material? It's exhausting, isn't it? God promises a dating process minus the show and tell. When your husband sees you, he will see you. It might not be straight away, but a knowing of who you are to each other will come upon you both.
We will be equally yoked.
My partner will be a match for me. Two believers who share a spiritual connection with God. I don't assume that that necessarily means that we both practice our faith in the same way. But there is a common anchoring of our beliefs, values and how we relate to life and its challenges.
Our life purposes will be strengthened by our union.
Here is a good example of this: Devon Franklin wrote his first book "Produced by Faith" in 2001 and it did fairly well. However, he admitted in an interview that his real ambition was to be a New York Times bestselling author, a mark which "Produced by Faith" failed to hit. It was not until he met his wife, Megan Good, and they co-wrote the book, "The Wait" that they hit the New York Times bestseller list together. Similarly, a union with your mate will ignite the spark of your purpose and bring things to fruition or completion that you might have been challenged to do on your own.
He will be a good man with a loving heart for me, God and family.
He will not try to veer me from my path of celibacy, but will lead on it.
How refreshingly different are these promises to the list I was carrying around? It more about qualities than characteristics - the qualities that really matter when you are in the work of doing life together.
As you turn your ear to hear God's promises, your list might not dissipate completely or quickly. But as you spend more time with Jesus, talk to him regularly and commit to a relationship with Him, your confidence in His being able to provide both your wants and your needs will increase. Little by little you will start releasing your iron-fist clench around your list and allow God to slip his promises into your hand.
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