When Should You Tell a Date that You're Celibate

The dating world as it is, is already tumultuous - You find yourself starting off every encounter with optimism but a myriad scenarios can occur to make a prospective romance go south and sour very quickly. This often leaves you feeling heartbroken and disappointed, but you still have to find it in you to keep at it.

Throw in the fact that you are not having sex, what is considered a normal part of the dating experience in the modern world, and you might feel like you have a ticking time bomb on your hands.

Celibacy or abstinence throws a wrench in an already delicate situation.

If you have decided to be celibate or abstain from sex, firstly congratulations! It is bold step that takes courage and the willingness to make your physical and emotional wellbeing your priority. Taking that stance into your dating life will inevitably create some awkward and frustrating moments, the best thing to do is be prepared for them by being clear on what your boundaries are and discussing them as early as possible with any potential partner.

When I first became celibate, I had assumed that it would be sometime into a relationship before I would have to tell a man that sex was off the table. As I pictured it, we take the time to know each other and it would take some months before sex became an issue. A romanticised vision, that has turned to be far from my reality.

In this world of instant gratification, sex can come up in the first few sentences of an online chat, in your first phone conversation on within an hour of your first date.

The reason is because a decision to practice celibacy or abstinence does not exist in a vacuum. It is intertwined with other parts of who you are and it would have been birthed by some meaningful past experience. It is probably deeply connected to your spirituality, your values and your personal goals.

It is not just something you are doing - it is a part of who you are.

Dating is the very process of showing who you are to someone, seeing who they are and assessing if there is a match. You shouldn't be hiding yourself - that would defeat the very purpose. So it is only natural that you may find yourself talking about your no-sex prerogative very early in a relationship. It may well happen before you feel ready to go talk about it.

Below is an example of how it came up very early in a chat I recently had on the dating app, Bumble.

This man's second question to me was about what I was looking for.

I responded and then asked him the same.

When he responded "sex" , that showed me where his mind was at.

Even though he tried to make it come across as a joke, the fact that it was the first thing that occurred to him to was evidence of truth behind it.

"When people tell you who they are, believe them," they say.

So I figured it was opportune to advise that I was not in the same head space.

As you can see, he immediately changed his mind about inviting me on a date. To be honest, when I first saw his response my feelings were a little hurt. I had been little excited about the prospect of a date and was disappointed that it was not going to happen. To top it off, I was peeved when he then turned it around to make it look like I had invited him on a date, when it was he who had extended the invitation.

However had the date gone ahead, I perhaps would have found myself having to fend off the physical advances of a man who wanted more than I was willing to give. So this minor prick of pain, was worth it.

My advice is always to tell the person you are seeing as early as possible.

Take the opportunity when something related naturally comes up in conversation. Do not wait until he's trying to lead you into the bedroom.

I made this mistake recently. Watch my video: Dating and Sex-Pectation to find out how I handled it.

Learn from my mistake and do not wait until you are physically intimate to tell him about your boundaries. If you discuss sex outside of a moment of physical intimacy, you will be better able to talk about it. It allow you to share who you are and learn who he is, by observing his response. You will be able to ask and answer each other's questions in an atmosphere that's not sexually charged.

His response will less be clouded by the immediate disappointment that the sex he thought was imminent, won't be happening.

Trust yourself to know when it is the right time but know there will never be a perfect time.

People often feel fearful and uncertain around telling someone they are celibate or abstinent.

I know, every time I do it I have to fight nerves and the urge to back out of it. What gives me courage is my vision of the man I am waiting for: a man who wants me for me, who shares my values and is willing to earn the right to have access to my temple.

You may have the experience of prospective suitors rescinding interest or invitations because of this early conversation. If people want to walk out of your life, let them walk. A man who does not see the value in your company beyond the prospect of sex, is not the life-partner material that you are looking for, which is whole reason you're dating anyways. Allow yourself to be disappointed for a minute and then move on. Your celibacy is doing its job of acting as a filter, let it.

In the meantime, you are becoming stronger, more assertive and more confident. The qualities you are building in yourself by having these conversations will serve you in other areas of your life.

Congratulate yourself every time you do buck up the courage and tell someone. By being brave enough to address this, you are being a strong woman, who knows what she wants and what she will allow. It is proof that you are becoming the better version of yourself you intended, when you made the decision to be celibate or abstinent on the first place.

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